Sunrise Family

This is Rachel's Story...

Posted: Jun 01, 2007 at 4.21pm

This is a letter from Rachel, one of the girls who completed a program at Mercy Ministries that would change her life forever...

I learnt early in life that hurting myself on the outside helped ease the pain on the inside. I believed that my purpose was to be abused. Although as a young child I could not put this into words my actions clearly demonstrated that I believed I was worth nothing. If other people weren't hurting me I had to hurt myself. I would beat my body until I couldn't breathe, I would burn myself until the heat felt cold or I would cut myself until I could see arteries throbbing...just to help ease the pain. Self-hatred consumed every aspect of my life. I hated everything about myself.

I believed death was the only way to escape the pain that consumed my life every day. I thought death would permanently take away the pain that cutting eased only for a moment. Picking up that blade was an addiction...and addiction that I prayed every day would kill me.

At one time I remember drifting in and out of consciousness I could hear the urgency in the doctors voice, "this hospital doesn't have the facilities to adequately manage the drugs in her system, if we don't get her to another hospital immediately she will die". I was put on a drip, oxygenated and taken by ambulance to another hospital and when I woke up I realized I was in the High Dependency Unit. I was alive...I failed again.

The next attempt to end my life had me locked up in a psychiatric hospital. The doctors told me there was nothing they could do to help with my eating disorder and that all they could do was keep me safe by having me under constant observation. I showered with staff at my side and couldn't go to the toilet without being accompanied by a staff member. Any dignity I had left had been completely taken from me... but I coped by believing that was what I was worth.

Again I found myself in hospital with a 24 hour observation nurse by my side to make sure I didn't leave the bed. I was desperate not to end up in the psychiatric ward again and managed to convince the doctors I would be fine. They didn't care what happened to me or where I went, they just didn't want me under their care. I was discharged the following day.

Although my eating disorder took many different courses over the years I was now at the point where it had been six months since I had been able to eat or drink anything and not throw it back up again. There were days when I was too afraid to get out of bed for fear that I would come into contact with food. It made me feel contaminated. I did everything I could to get rid of everything that was inside of me. I vomited, I took laxatives, I exercised...I even began draining my body of blood because I wanted to get rid of everything...everything that could possibly be fat.

The only hope I had left in me was when I stepped on to the scales. The only time I felt success was when numbers were lower than they were the previous time I looked. I was tired and I wanted it all to end.

For me death wasn't so much about ending my life, it was more about ending my pain.

I applied to Mercy Ministries, a live in program that would provide the care, love and professional support that I so desperately needed.

I entered into the Mercy Ministries program not really knowing what was ahead of me. Although my world was void of hope there was something deep in my spirit that knew Mercy Ministries held hope for my life. I was welcomed by staff who cared about me and believed in me. They believed that despite my desperate and dark situation there was hope, and most of all complete freedom from the addictions that controlled my life.

I still had days where I wanted my life to be over and days where I really wanted to hurt myself to ease the pain. I spent weeks trying to convince staff that I wasn't worth their time. It was hard. I had to place my complete trust in the staff. I had to choose to believe they loved me and cared about me because I still didn't believe I was worth anything.

Over my 14 months at Mercy Ministries I experienced grace and care from the staff. I learnt that freedom from my pain was found in life, not death. With staff by my side I came to understand that I was valuable and my life did have a purpose. This really did save my life.

Having graduated over two and a half years ago I can honestly say that I am living a dream I never imagined could be possible. Not a day passes by where I don't take a moment to stand back and realise how great my life is, after having tried to end it for so many years.

I owe my life to the work of Mercy Ministries who provided a safe place to gently piece my life back together. I know without a doubt that there is freedom from eating disorders, depression, anxiety, self harm and addictions.

I know because I am living in it.

Mercy Ministries helps young women between the ages of 16-28 and is a national non profit organisation dedicated to providing homes and care for young women suffering the effects of eating disorders, self harm, abuse, depression, unplanned pregnancies and other life controlling issues.

Mercy Ministries is a structured residential based program that provides professional support from psychologists, dieticians, general practitioners, social workers, career counsellors and daily education from program staff to support the young women in our care. They provide a holistic program that addresses all aspects of a young woman's well being; physical, spiritual and emotional. Mercy Ministries is a faith based organisation dedicated to the support of young women in crisis.

Mercy Ministries is dedicated to seeing young women reach their full potential. Providing long-term care gives young women the opportunity to live in a safe environment for an extended period. Working with professionals enables young women to discover their value, vision and skills to move forward from abject despair into a fruitful future.

For more information http://www.mercyministries.com.au/

Name and pictured featured are not the young women's correct identity for the purposes of privacy.

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